He seemed to come from nowhere and for a brief time the world cackled at the humor of the one, the only, the completely ficticious Harper Lee Weinstock.
These columns are all that's left to remind us of the man. As Weinstock was fond of saying, "Read. Enjoy. Send money."
Beanie Babies Anonymous
"So, to help my sister and the millions of others who have fallen
under the spell of Beanie Baby Mania, I am officially founding Beanie Babies
Anonymous, an organization dedicated to helping you 'just say no' to Beanies."
The New Fab Four
"They sing, they dance, they drive the kids wild. But how best
to describe the Teletubbies to the uninitiated? Imagine this: if Pink Floyd
produced a half-hour show for kids, this would be it. And you would enjoy
it immensely."
The Intelligent Diaper
"I believe it was Frank Zappa who said, "Necessity is the
mother of invention," which means that if there is a need for something, sooner or later, someone will invent it. And then Microsoft will rip it off."
St. Viagra's Dance
"The
impotency drug Viagra has every old person I know talking about having sex
again. All I have to say is, 'Folks, please, not in front of the children!'"
Some People Will Eat Anything
"Most people are like Mikey, the old Life cereal kid. We
are nondiscriminating carnivores who will eat anything -- especially if
it can be made to taste like chicken."
Getting "Yankee Naked"
"The Naked Mile is an annual event where a bunch of
Michigan college kids get together to run naked across the campus. I found
this shocking. I had no idea they had colleges in Michigan."
The Smarter White Meat
"A
college professor at Penn State is trying to teach pigs to communicate using
computers. I think this guy is one pork rind short of a full bag. Who wants
to get email from a pig?"
Sometimes Life Just Ain't Funny
"Alabama weather is about as predictable as watching
The Jerry Springer Show. You know something's going to happen, you're just
not sure what it will be."
The Tax Man Cometh
"Someone
once said the only things in life that are certain are death and taxes
I think the only difference between the two is that death claims you just
once, but taxes can kill you every year."
Armadillo On The Half Shell
"West Virginia has done what no other state has ever had
the mountain oysters to do. It has given the thumbs-up to eating roadkill.
This is fast food I can do without."
The Unsinkable Harper Lee
"I call them 'Ti-taniacs.' They look perfectly normal at
first, but eventually they will ask, 'Have you seen 'Titanic' yet? That's
when their dimentia rolls to the surface and the all-out assault begins."
The Sky Is Falling!
"When you turn on the TV and learn that a giant, killer asteroid
is headed your way, you have to ask yourself certain questions. Like, should
I have that second bowl of Crispy Hexagons or just stop at one?"
Gimme A Head With Hair
"A man's hair is like a Michigan retiree. It spends forty years
working atop your head, then, when it's old and tired, it pulls up stakes
and heads south, setting up little, hair retirement communities all along
the way."
When Great Minds Meet
"When the richest man in America meets the world's greatest Elvis
impersonator, you know only good things could come of it. Could 'Don't Be
Cruel' really become Microsoft's new theme song?"
Women Are From Where?
"A remote control in the hands of a woman is a dangerous thing,
especially when it's her man she's trying to change.
The Tanya Factor
Is
it me or are the '98 Winter Olympics about as exciting as watching old people speedwalk at the mall? What's missing this year? Could be The Tanya Factor.
Thingamabobs & Whatchamadigits
My daughter cornered me the other night, wanting to know about
the birds and bees. Actually, she wanted to know what "sectional misconduct" was.
Some Guys Have All The Luck
Recent studies claim that the less educated you are, the more
sex you have, and the more sex you have, the longer you'll live. Sure gives
new meaning to "Live long and prosper!"
All The President's Women
It
warms the cockles of my heart to know that in this great country of ours
any little boy can grow up to be a president who can't keep his line item
veto in his pants.
Stayin' Alive, Stayin' Alive
If
someone offered you a pill that would add 50 years to your life, would you
take it? Not me. At least not until I found out who'd be footing the bill
for all that extra life.
Smoke 'em If You Can Afford 'em!
What's
the difference between a $30 cigar and one that costs fifty cents. The answer begins with cow poop.
Roadkill On The Highway of Love
Sometimes love isn't just blind; it's pretty stupid, too.
Who Cracked My Crystal Ball?
Predictons for the new year as foretold over a beer and Polish sausage sandwich.
I Hope You Kept The Receipt
Will
it be something from Victoria's Secret or another beefstick this year?
A Christmas of Good Intentions
If
Jesus had been born in a mall instead of a manger, we wouldn't be celebrating Christmas today. The Three Wise Men would have never found a place to park.
Pick On Somebody Your Own Size
Mattel's redesigning Barbie to make her more realistic. Imagine Christy Brinkley going in, David Brinkley.
The Real McCaugheys
What's it
take to raise seven babies? Love, patience, understanding, and Prozac, lots and lots of Prozac.
I was rooting for <BLEEP>
Who was I rooting for in the Iron Bowl? Sorry, if I tell you, I'll have to kill you.
The Religion of Football
Here in Alabama, there are three kinds of people: Crimson Tide fans, War Eagle fans, and atheists.
Honey, Did You Take Your Pill?
A birth control pill for men? As if remembering to take out the trash isn't enough pressure.
I Love You, You Love Me
Barney
The Dinosaur is suing The Famous San Diego Chicken for beating up a Barney
lookalike during his act. Sounds like a clear case of costume envy to me.
Show Me The Money!
The stock
market could crash like a circus fat lady falling over a lawn chair and
it wouldn't affect me in the least. All my money's tied up in bills; electric bill, phone bill, Visa bill...
Ghosts of Halloweens Past
I
love Halloween. The costumes, the begging for goodies, the horrific screams,
a door being slammed in my face - wait a minute, that wasn't Halloween.
That was my honeymoon!
El Niño Made Me Do It!
For
years, I've been looking for something to blame my troubles on. Enter El
Niño, the perfect scapegoat.
If You Clone a Schizophrenic
Scientists have successfully cloned a sheep and a cow. What's next? Dogs? Cats? Professional wrestlers? Me? And if you clone a schizophrenic, how many people do you get?
What's My Mama Gonna Say?
I
know you're going to find this hard to believe, but I, Harper Lee Weinstock,
am a sexist pig. Sorry, mama. I had no idea.
Growing Old In A Red Miata
I
just had another birthday and I'm not particularly happy about it. To me,
that's like saying, "I'm another year closer to having my prostate
removed! Somebody bake me a cake and let's party!"
The Four Letters Between PG & R
When you're a kid, there are certain words you dare not say.
Swear words, my mother called them, cuss words. Today, my kids call them
"daddy words." You can probably figure out why.
The Dust Settles On Miss America
The Miss America Pageant is taking its last breath. Will the mourners have to wear swimsuits to the funeral, or will evening gowns be enough?
No Sale Like A Yardsale
Remember,
it's not how much you spend at a yardsale, but how much you talk them down.